From: k.morse Date: Wed, 28 May 2003 14:05:31 +0100 Subject: NEW FIC: g string Diva By KOO Source: atxc G-String Diva By Koo Rating R: For adult situations and language Genre: Humorous MT Spoilers: Reference to Genderbender Synposis: Several murders of patrons at a strip club in DC put Mulder into the most...ahem...interesting uncover assignment he has ever had. Title shamelessly lifted from the HBO documentary series of the same name. I know Mulder is not a diva being he is a boy, but if he were...NUFF SAID! This story has not been beta'd so all the mistakes are mine. X-Files Office Washington DC Monday, 7:45 AM His quiet morning ritual of drinking coffee and perusing the discarded cases of his fellow agents was interrupted by the shrill ring of his phone. Glancing up, he looked at the caller ID display. It was AD Skinner. "Mulder," he said in his customary greeting. "Agent Mulder I need to see you in my office immediately." "Scully and I will be right down." "No. I only need to see you." Scully walked in from the other room. The copies she had made on the Xerox still warm in her hand. "I finished those copies." "I need to go down and see Skinner." "He didn't ask for the both of us?" "No. I wonder how I have pissed him off this time around." "Try to look at things optimistically, Mulder. Perhaps the federal government has finally seen fit to give you a raise." Mulder chuckled. "Yeah right. I think my first guess is the correct one. Well, see you in while. I don't know how long the ass-chewing will take this time." "In the meantime I think I am going to head over Quantico and have another look at those blood samples from the Stample case." "Good idea. We'll meet up sometime today. Just don't know when." He rose from his desk and grabbed his suit coat off the stand next to the door. His hands grasped the door knob, turning it and opening it. "Good luck Mulder." He gave a wane smile and headed towards the elevator. AD Skinner's Office Monday 8 AM Mulder hastily walked into the office of Assistant Director Walter Skinner. With fumbled fingers he turned around the ID badge which had twisted on his lapel. Nine other agents were in the room. Some he recognized and others he didn't. Sitting in the chair directly across from Skinner sat a woman. She was heavy -set yet attractive. Mulder knew by the way in which she was dressed that she was not with the bureau. They simply didn't allow mini skirts and halter tops. "Thank you gentleman for reporting here so promptly" Skinner said rising from his desk. "I don't know if any of you are aware of several murders that have taken place here in DC in the last three weeks. Normally this would be a straight up homicide case for the DCPD. However, the latest victim is the daughter of Bernard Stiles, Representative from the state of Idaho. He has asked for the bureau's assistance in this matter and that is where you come in gentleman. I'm not going to mince words here. You are here not only for your field experience, but your physical appearance." "Physical appearance?" Mulder questioned quietly. "We took a random and anonymous poll of your fellow female agents to see who they felt were the best looking agents in the bureau. You gentlemen are the top ten choices." "What does this have to do with homicide cases? Are we being chosen for a Men of the FBI 2000 callendar?" Mulder asked in bemusement. "No Agent Mulder we are here to determine who will be getting the undercover assignment. One of you will be assigned to work in the nightclub. All of the victims were patrons of the club. " "Undercover doing what?" asked the agent who stood to the right of Mulder. "Male exotic dancing." "No way! My wife would kill me!" stated the agent to Mulder's left. "I understand and any of the agents here who are married can step away right now if they feel uncomfortable with the assignment." Four of them stepped back from the line and exited the office. That left six. "You are all probably wondering who the woman is who is sitting at my desk. She is Serena Satine the owner of the "Klub King Dong". You all have the field experience and the case resolution ratio to qualify for this assignment. We've done the law enforcement part, but Miss Satine knows her clientele. She will be making the final determination as to who gets the assignment. She will be working with you as far as presentation and choreography of the dance routines. I turn this over to Miss Satine." She stood up from the chair and carelessly tossed her long raven hair over her left shoulder. She smiled . Her eyes started to go from agent to agent taking a leisurely visual journey from top to bottom. Mulder felt like he was a top sirloin in the meat case of the local A&P. "Well gentlemen, why don't you lift your suit coats up above the hips and show me what you've got. Rear view first." They all lifted their jackets above the hips and turned around. "This is bullshit" spat Mulder as he turned around to offer a view from the front. "Hmmmm. This is one tough decision," Serena contemplated bringing her index finger to her top lip. She tapped on it with her fingertip. She looked over the assembled group one last time. Mulder wondered if next he would have to run circuits around the room like they did at Westminster trying to pick Best of Show. "I'll take him," she said her finger pointing at Mulder. "Yeah, he's got it." "Thank you gentlemen. You are dismissed, except Agent Mulder." An uncomfortable silence fell over the room which was finally interrupted by the raspy voice of Miss Satine. "Well this couldn't have come at a better time. One of my dancers quit just last week. He's getting married and the fiancee is a bit insecure about what he was doing for a living." She turned and walked towards Skinner's desk, grabbing a large box which had been sitting there the whole duration of the meeting. With her right hand she tossed it at Mulder, who just barely managed to catch it. "What's this?," he asked regaining his composure after catching the box. "Your costume. Hope it fits." Skinner stepped forward. Mulder could see the amused expression which he was trying in vain to contain. "You will need to report to this address in the morning. It's a dance studio where Miss Satine will be giving you lessons. We want this to go smoothly. I expect professionalism Agent Mulder. I can understand your reservations, but I expect nothing less than 100% and I know you will give us 100%." "For the ass kissing alone by Skinner, this might be worth it," Mulder mused to himself. "That's all agent." Mulder walked into the small basement office and flung the box on his desk. "What's that?" Scully asked looking up from the papers she was reading. "A gift from Skinner." "I didn't think you two were all that close. Something I should know about Mulder?," she teased placing the papers on the desk. "I've been assigned on a case for VC." "That's great Mulder. I take it the contents the box have something to do with the assignment?" "Yes." "Do you know what it is?" "Yes sort of." "Aren't you going to open it?" "I need a few minutes." "Squimish?" "No, just embarrassed." "What is the case about? I'm really curious now." "Scully about 2 weeks back were you given a survey to fill out?" "No...wait...there was this rather silly one. I just tossed it aside and didn't bother with it. Honestly, I thought it was gag being sent through the interoffice mail. You know Pendrel and his cronies down at site crime have been known to do that before. I can understand that, their jobs must get incredibly boring from time to time." "It wasn't a gag, Scully," Mulder said flatly as he took the chair behind his desk. "I'm not following." "It relates to the case." "Are we going to sit here and play twenty questions?," She said as she brought her coffee mug to her lips. "I'm going undercover as a male stripper." A warm spray of coffee spewing from Scully's mouth just avoided hitting him in the face, a loud cackle, the likes of which he had never heard echoed in the room. "Thanks for the support, Scully. I will remember this," he chided. "So what's in the box, Mulder?" "My costume." "I can't wait to see this. A cop? Zorro? Fireman?" "How would you know what those guys wear?" "Went to a lady's night back in college." "I never took you as the wild party type." "Hardly, a bunch of my friends took me on my 21st birthday." "Yeah....sure." "The box..," she said becoming increasingly impatient, but in a good humored and teasing way. Mulder opened it seeing just sequins at first. "Oh shit," he uttered as he pulled it out all the way. It was an cobalt blue satin cowboy outfit with ass-less chaps and white fringe. Gazing down he could see the matching hat lying at the bottom of the box atop a layer of tissue paper. Pulling the hat out and laying it on his desk, he saw the matching g-string. "So what is your stage name going to be Mulder? Foxy La Rue or maybe The Manochevitz Kid?," Scully asked breaking into a fit of laugher from her own joke. Mulder picked up the g-string from the box, and snapped it like a rubber band, hitting Scully square in the nose. She brought up her index finger and rubbed the bridge. "Ouch! Mulder! That Hurt!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------ 54th Street Dance Studio The Next Morning 9 AM Blaring music pulsated throughout the room as Miss Satine tapped in time with a cane. "C'mon hon, put your ass into it! I know you have an ass. I've seen it," she shouted. "Stripper Nazi," Mulder thought to himself as he turned and for the nineteeth consecutive time tried to artifully pull off the rip-away pants. "No! NO! NO!" "How the hell am I supposed to do this?" "Grab it in the front, making sure you don't pinch your balls in the process and quickly... quickly swing your arm up." "I can't do this..." "Sure you can. Now do it!" She went to the turntable which was on the opposite side of the room, lifted the needle and placed it back on the groove and once again he could hear Foreigner's rendition of "Dirty White Boy." "Now when they get to the first break, when he pauses and then says 'Dirty White Boy" off they come OK?" "Oh OK," he huffed. The music began and at the queue he sucessfully tore off the pants, when he heard a voice say... "How's it going , Mulder?" Mulder stopped. Feeling panicked he walked briskly to the sofa at the left of the dance floor and grabbed a towel, covering himself like a teenage girl who just discovered a boy had snuck into the girl's locker room. Fiddling with the towel's hem he finally managed to tie it around his sweaty waist. "What are you doing down here?," he asked, hoping she could not see the red blush which stained his cheeks. "Well yesterday you said I wasn't being supportive. I have just come to lend you some much needed support." "I'm sorry ma'am we have work we need to get done here," Miss Satine said as she approached. "I don't want to keep the both of you. Just wanted to see how it was going." "Honey, Ricky Martin he ain't." "It's just that stupid song. Can we try another? Something funky?" "How about "Get Down Tonight" by KC and the Sunshine Band?," Scully suggested. Mulder turned to her and mouthed only three words: "You're dead meat." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------- The practice session re-commenced. Mulder finally got his change of song. It was not the song he wanted, but the one Scully had suggested. As the beat enveloped the room, he could hear Serena yelling, "Hip thrust! Hip thrust! Hip thrust!" "C'mon honey. I wanna see that thing bobbing and bouncing on the front of that G!" He thrust his hips and suddenly grabbed his crotch falling to the floor. "Ugh" he said, his legs curling up to his chest in the throws of agony. Serena ran over and kneeled beside him. "What's wrong, honey?" "I think I broke it," he gasped. The paramedics arrived and gently placed him onto the gurney. Wheeling it out to the sidewalk, the young blond EMT turned to Serena. "What happened ma'am?" he asked as Mulder's hand stroked the ache he had just below the belt, trying in vain to somehow relieve the pain. "Simple case of dick sprain. Not the first I've seen. Won't be the last," she said non-challantly as they hoisted him into the waiting ambulance. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------- Georgetown University Medical Center The Next Morning Scully walked into the room seeing Mulder sitting up carelessly flipping channels on the TV. In her hand she held a small bouquet of yellow roses. He looked up. "Jesus, Scully I'm not terminal or anything." "Just thought the color might cheer you up a little, but this should cheer you up more," she said producing a magazine from her purse. It was the latest issue of "Juggs". "This is the last thing I need to see right now. " "Oh yeah...right...I didn't think of *that*," she winced putting the magazine back into her purse. "I haven't been in this much pain since I was twelve." "What happened when you were twelve?," she asked taking the chair next to his bed. "I asked Laurie Jo Simons to show me her tits and was swiftly kicked in the nuts." "I'm so sorry Mulder, but you did ask for it. By the way, the doctors tell me you should be back to normal in just a few days." "I don't know. I think I've sustained permanent damage." "It's not all that bad I'm sure. Mind if I take a look?" "Scully" he said in a tone which might as well have been accompanied with a "Well I've never..." "Mulder, I *am* a doctor. Not the first one I've seen. Believe me." "Ok, but never say I didn't warn you first." She stood up and lifted the sheet. Never had she seen one so swollen and the purple color reminded her of a bad suit she had worn in her first days at the bureau. "Oh my God," she uttered. "I've always yearned to hear you say that upon seeing my impressive love muscle for the first time," he wryly said. "It's not all that bad. The swelling should be all but gone in two days." "Thank you so much." "I have been doing a bit of digging on this case if you don't mind." "Of course not, dig away." "I was going over some tissues samples taken from the victims and noticed something very strange." "And that would be?" "Extremely high levels of pheromones and adrenaline. The official cause of death was the apparent injection of Xtacy, which as we know causes the user to lose inhibitions and become very touchy feely, but the levels of these naturally occurring chemicals would be nowhere near the levels I found." "We've seen this before. Do you think..." "No, because there is no apparent cardiac arrest, nor was any foamy substance found dripping from the victim's mouths. So no, I don't think we are looking for a walking, talking aphrodisiac. I think what we are looking at is a more potent designer form of X." "Good, then maybe we can hand this case over to the DEA." "Skinner is looking into that right now, but in the meantime, we still have it. So when is opening night for The Manochevitz Kid?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------- Klub King Dong The Following Thursday "Ladie's Nite" 10 PM It was a packed house and Mulder could already hear the hoots and hollars of drunken women. He felt the sudden urge to run back to the dressing room and spill the Starbuck's Mocha Frappucino he had only consumed an hour ago. Nervous knots had been in his stomach all day. One of his temporary co-workers walked backstage, $20 bills bulging from the top of his g-string. "Damn I might quit the bureau. Gods knows the pay is better," he mused. "They are *hungry* tonight! Tipping very well. Especially this redhead sitting in the front," said the man as he picked up a towel from a nearby table and swabbed at his brow. "Oh shit," Mulder said not thinking the other man could hear him. "What's the matter? The wife show up?" "No..oh...nevermind." "Shit! I think I made about $500 just for one dance. I can go home for the evening." "You always make at least $250, Ray. Don't know how you do it," another dancer said as he fastened the snap of his G to his hip. "Just givin the ladies what they want. That lovin' feeling." Satine approached and put her hand on Mulder's shoulder. "Now don't be nervous. You'll do just fine. Just remember to thrust, to shake that nice tight ass like a maraca and most importantly have fun!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- It's SHOWTIME Folks....... Klub King Dong 10:20 PM Serena stood on stage clad in her trashy best in front of the microphone. "Now ladies give a nice warm welcome to the 'cockiest' cowboy in the west...oh yeah...he's left a trail of broken hearts from Laramie to the streets of Loredo, carries a big six shooter and just can't wait to poke your hay. Let's give a nice Klub King Dong welcome to Wyyyyyyaaaaaaatttttttt Slurp!" "Someone kill me now," he said turning to Ray. The droning beat of the music filled the club as Mulder strutted onto the stage amazed at just how fast he fell into character. He slowly gyrated his hips to the screaming delight of his newfound admirers. His fingers began to undo the buttons of the gaudy western shirt he wore and with a flourish he tore it off and tossed it to the hooting crowd below. He looked squarely at Scully who was there with Ellen and another friend he didn't recognize. Scully stood and held out a twenty dollar bill. Mulder pranced over to her and sat on her lap. Taking the hat from his head, he placed it on her head. Leaning over he gently kissed her cheek and made his way to her earlobe. "I'm going to kill you," he whispered and resumed his place on stage. For his grand finale he gripped the front of his pants and with a tug they were off and tossed aside. Turning around he jiggled his behind like jello which made the crowd erupt into a fit of giggles, sighs and shouts. Scully, Ellen and the unknown woman gave a standing ovation as the song trailed off. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------ Mulder walked towards their table wearing a blue terry robe. Pulling out the chair next to Scully's he sat down. It was obvious that Scully had had her fair share of $1.50 Margaritas that night. "How could you?," he asked. Scully giggled. "Oh Mulder you know Ellen and this is Ellen's sister Jocelyn. She's our designated driver for the night." "If you're gonna drink...." "DRINK RESPONSIBLY!," Ellen and Scully yelled simultaneously sending the both of them into a fit of laughter at their own joke. Mulder nodded his head and rolled his eyes as he picked up the bottle of Evian which a waiter had brought a few minutes before. Ray had begun his routine and Mulder could quickly see why he was the highest paid dancer in the club. The women were going crazy, including the ones who were sitting at the table with him. Another woman at a nearby table held out a bill with the image of Grant on it. "You see that Dana?" "What?," Scully asked as she swirled the straw among the Cuervo, ice and strawberry mixer in her glass. "That woman is gonna give him a 50!" "No shit!" "I heard he kisses for a $50," Jocelyn said. "Dana you got a 50?" "NO! Remember I work for the Federal Government," Scully said indignantly as she placed her glass back on the table. Ray sat on the woman's lap. His hands stoked at her cheekbone as his lips covered hers. As he pulled away she became wracked with convulsions. A loud clang could be heard as she fell onto the floor below. "Oh my God," Scully gasped suddenly roused to sobriety. Making her way through the crowd, she gently asked for people to step aside. I'm a doctor," she said as she knelt at the woman's side. Taking her wrist into her hand, she checked for a pulse, but didn't find one. She looked up at Mulder. "She's dead." Mulder noticed Ray impatiently pushing his way through the crowd. Once free of the crowd he began to run. Running into the dressing room, Mulder opened the drawer where Serena put his weapon for safe keeping. Stepping out into the alleyway behind the club, he listened for any noise. Upon hearing a crash from behind the dumpster, he gave chase once more, finally catching up with Ray. "Stop FBI!," he yelled which caused Ray to stop dead in his tracks. "Turn around!" His gun was pointed at his back. "I did it. I killed all those women," he said, his voice shaking as he turned to face Mulder. "How?" "I don't know how, I do know that my kiss kills. Usually not this fast. She must've been really sexed up." "I'm placing you under arrest." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------- FBI Headquarters The Next Morning Mulder walked into the office and hung his trench coat on the rack near the door. He noticed Scully at the desk, her head resting on it like a child serving detention. "Good morning, Scully." "What's good about it?," she asked her voice sounding groggy. "I guess you didn't know when to say when," he chuckled. Instead of her usual sarcastic response the most she could muster was an "UGH!". "I picked up the tests from the initial blood and saliva samples taken from Ray La Rosa." "And...." "Blood tests were normal, but in his saliva there were levels of adrenaline 2000 times the normal level and yes they found high levels of pheromone." "Yipee. I just want to go home and sleep it off or maybe just take a hatchet and cut off my own head." Walking to his desk he reached into the "in" basket and found a interdepartmental mail envelop. Opening it he read the first paragraph of the memo: "This is a random and anonymous poll of male agents. We would like to know who you think are the best looking female agents. This poll is anonymous and your participation will be confidential." He picked up his pen from the pencil holder on the desk and wrote on the doted line.... Dana K. Scully THE END [